Twisted

per·ver·sion
pərˈvərZHən/
noun
  1. 1.
    the alteration of something from its original course, meaning, or state to a distortion or corruption of what was first intended.
    “all great evil is the perversion of a good”

I am a very self-motivated, self-driven person. Some people are. Some need external motivation to move forward, some seem born to push themselves forward whether anyone else notices or not. Some sacrifice easily to achieve a goal, even if it’s uncomfortable or requires great self-sacrifice.

I usually see my Discipline and Drive as a strength. But today, I realized it has also been a weakness.

Discipline and Drive made me a good student, a good musician (once my mom taught me the discipline of practicing, I carried it with me into adulthood), and able to make radical life-changing life-style habits that most people can’t find the energy or will to do.

This also makes me able to neglect my own well-being in the interest of a goal, whether it is being a “good mom,” or, in my darkest days, being “thin enough.”

This drive that allowed me to put in tons of hours rehearsing, practicing, honing skills to be the best I could be, to craft and re-craft music into all hours of the night to make it better, to give up eating the things that “make me happy”  or “are fun,” so I could instead choose eating the things that would make me FEEL GOOD, to exercise when I didn’t want to, to get off multiple medications with lifestyle choices and lots of self-work… this same drive made it easy to deprive myself of food and calories when believing lies convinced me I needed to be thinner. To sacrifice for a goal is a noble thing to my personality. But if the goal is actually a Lie? It’s a perversion.

The more I deprived myself, the less properly my brain functioned, and the less able I became to see the Truth, the more unbalanced my Mind became. (In round two of this battle, the dysfunction of my thyroid greatly intensified the effect, as well).
 This Drive that pushes me to do everything I can about anything, loves to check things off a list, loves to fix things, and accomplish things. Make a goal, and achieve. Those are good traits, and the world goes around in part because of people who Do Things, who get Things done. When this becomes Controlling things, or a Misplaced Focus, it’s a perversion. When Things are accomplished at the expense of The Most Important Things, it’s a perversion.
With teenage daughters in the dancing world, I have seen this Discipline and Drive in so many talented and dedicated young girls, and I’ve seen a few apply this Discipline and Drive to go after a Lie; I’ve seen it perverted until it damaged their bodies and their minds. I understand, at least in my own small way, how this happens, and it breaks my heart to see it. Passion perverted. Perspective twisted.
I had a doctor who put me on a path to healing, a Heavenly Father who grew me when I decided to finally SURRENDER to His plan for me, instead of my own, and I eventually applied my Discipline and Drive to learning to steward my health. I have a husband who sometimes helps me see when my Drive becomes Overdrive in any area of my life. (I still have to work to find that line between Busy Enough, and Too Busy sometimes).
Yes my Drive and Discipline has been a weakness and a strength for me. Thankfully, in my weakness HE is strong.
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