1.the alteration of something from its original course, meaning, or state to a distortion or corruption of what was first intended.“all great evil is the perversion of a good”
I am a very self-motivated, self-driven person. Some people are. Some need external motivation to move forward, some seem born to push themselves forward whether anyone else notices or not. Some sacrifice easily to achieve a goal, even if it’s uncomfortable or requires great self-sacrifice.
I usually see my Discipline and Drive as a strength. But today, I realized it has also been a weakness.
Discipline and Drive made me a good student, a good musician (once my mom taught me the discipline of practicing, I carried it with me into adulthood), and able to make radical life-changing life-style habits that most people can’t find the energy or will to do.
This also makes me able to neglect my own well-being in the interest of a goal, whether it is being a “good mom,” or, in my darkest days, being “thin enough.”
This drive that allowed me to put in tons of hours rehearsing, practicing, honing skills to be the best I could be, to craft and re-craft music into all hours of the night to make it better, to give up eating the things that “make me happy” or “are fun,” so I could instead choose eating the things that would make me FEEL GOOD, to exercise when I didn’t want to, to get off multiple medications with lifestyle choices and lots of self-work… this same drive made it easy to deprive myself of food and calories when believing lies convinced me I needed to be thinner. To sacrifice for a goal is a noble thing to my personality. But if the goal is actually a Lie? It’s a perversion.