I just spent an hour wandering down memory lane in old blog posts, looking for pictures to use in this post. I had a good time, but if I keep looking for the “perfect photos” to tie in with what I want to write, I’ll never write this post. (A common problem, obviously, considering the.. ahem… “frequency” of my posts.) So… here I go, writing without pictures…
My mind and heart have been in a strange season. Emotional, blue, excited, creative, stagnant, soul-searching, mind-numbing, frantic, bored, restless, productive, afraid, peaceful… these could all describe me at some point in the last 6 months, often in the same day. Have you ever heard of the phrase “winter of the soul?” I feel like I have been in both a winter and summer of the soul, all at the same time.
Then today, while reading the blog of a good friend, who is embarking on a new adventure with her family, and feeling a variety of the feelings just mentioned above, a thought settled down into my heart. “I am expecting.” Not just in the sense that adoption has a gestation period of its own. More than that. God is shifting things in me, refocusing me. I think some creativity is on the horizon. Evaluating why we do what we do, as a couple and family. Coming into teen-hood this year with our son. Heart-change, and world-change, and who knows what other changes in between.
That’s the hardest part for me… “who knows” is not a place I like to live in. I like finite addresses, expiration dates, deadlines. I like goals, and checklists…tangible, on paper, so you can touch them, cross things off with your own hand. I don’t know what I’m expecting. I don’t know what the goals are… only to pray “Your will, not mine, be done,” and to be more like Him, whose ways are higher than my ways.
With mother’s day coming, (and oh! how I wanted to have a memory lane of photos of my terrific kids! but that would involve scanning in photos… digital cameras were not the norm when my first was born!), and this thought drifting gently down into my heart, it occurred to me, how little I really knew what to expect when I was pregnant with Levi. I dont’ mean in caring for an infant… I mean, the way being a mother changes you… the ripple affect of every decision I would make, because I am first a wife and mother. I was so excited, but there was so much unknown.
And I think, that whether this season ends up looking very different on the outside or not, there is a wrestling, a “birthing” taking place. And somehow, that thought makes my head a little bit quieter tonight. I won’t be able to figure it all out ahead of time. And I can’t skip the process. The gestation is what it is. So, I will wait. Expectant.